Help
by TinyDancer14
Summary: Help, I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I'm nowhere to be found...


**All I want to say is stay optimistic...**

**Song is "Breathe Me" by Sia.**

* * *

Help

…

_Help, I have lost myself again  
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,  
Yeah I think that I might break  
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe_

…

Upset didn't even begin to cover it.

She wasn't at that, "I'm so helpless, I'm ready to jump off of a cliff" stage yet, and she was sure she wouldn't ever be, but still, this hurt like hell. _Everything_ hurt like hell. Moving, thinking, speaking, breathing- it was as if nothing was worth it, nothing felt the same anymore. Every breath was a laborious process; she had to force herself eat, to concentrate, to _live_. She felt like a puppet; everyone else was making these moves for her, but she was just waiting for that one special person to fill her empty chest with that battered heart.

At the beginning, it hadn't seemed like as much of an issue as it had turned out to be. Both were insanely busy and they really didn't have the appropriate amount of time for each other anymore. They weren't breaking up; just simply giving each other distance for awhile. Neither had defined the distance, for they didn't want to pretend to foretell the future, but they knew this wasn't permanent. In a way it brought comfort to the situation, knowing they could and would be best friends forever; they would continue to support each other in anything they did.

And it wasn't like normal breakups, either. Since they had grown together, they had formed the same group of friends and continued to see each other on a weekly basis. It wasn't awkward and painful like they had expected, but a relief to see each other. They had done nothing out of the ordinary with their friends- a dinner one night, a night out on the town another- which helped the grieving process. An upset of balance in routine would only hurt matters, not help.

But now, it had been five and a half weeks, almost six, since their inevitable "split" as the media called it. And even though nothing had changed in the way they treated each other, _everything_ had. At the beginning, she had believed that this was temporary and that every action he posed to her had still been as loving and caring as they always had been, with the promise that they would be back together in no time. Now, she felt differently. Now, she was losing hope, but even more, she was losing _him_.

That thought was scarier than anything she'd ever thought of.

She missed him. She missed falling asleep with him at night, she missed awakening to his placid features in the morning. She missed their active days at the gym, their crazy nights running from premiere to awards show to endless after parties, their dinner parties with friends, where they spent hours gussying up, only to have it ruined by a make out session in the car. She missed their lazy days, where they spent the entire day in bed- doing both PG and non-PG related things. She missed his comforting cuddles, his endless caresses, the heavenly foot and backrubs, and his kisses. God, how she missed them. She missed her good morning, goodnight, goodbye, and _just because_ kisses so, incredibly much.

But most of all, she missed the loving intonation and sincerity in his voice when he said, "_I love you_."

She couldn't take it anymore. The media splashing their breakup around as if it were entertainment, the paparazzi offering her comfort but not understanding the only comfort she'd receive from them was ignorance, the gossip sites speculating about whether or not she had cheated or whether or not he had already moved on. She hated reading about herself in US Weekly and In Touch, the authors using terms like "former couple" and "ex-girlfriend." She hadn't even used those terms herself, yet. But now that she realized it, she knew it was true.

A buzzing sound came from her phone just a few feet away and Vanessa Hudgens lifted her eyes towards the only glowing object in the dark room. If she was psychic- which, she wasn't, or else she would've seen this heartache coming- she would say it was her mother or her sister, calling to check up on her. She always put on a happy face for them, even though she knew they could see right through her. She didn't want pity and comfort from her family. She didn't want pity and comfort from her friends. All she wanted was to go back in time and disagree with the suggestion to take a break.

Reaching out with a shaky hand, Vanessa pulled open the curtains and grasped her cell phone, sighing and tapping the screen lightly to answer. Her voice sounded foreign when she spoke, "Hello?"

"_Vanessa Anne Hudgens. What the fuck happened?_"

Vanessa had done her best to be strong through everything that had come her way. She wasn't a particularly vulnerable person and didn't even shed a tear in the time between the breakup and now. But just hearing the utterly shocked words from her very best friend brought out everything she had been feeling inside as tears began to stream down her face. "God Ashley… Everything's so fucked up."

"_I guess so! A world without Zanessa? That is not a world I want to live in._"

"Me either, believe me," Vanessa sighed, pushing back the sheets on her bed and deciding to get dressed for the day. "I don't even know what happened. It was sudden."

"_I'll say! You guys were just spending Thanksgiving together… He was just quoted in an interview talking about you… What the fuck?_"

"Ashley, I know, okay?" She spit out, even harsher than she meant to as tears fell even faster. "It sucks. It sucks, it was a stupid decision… And I miss him."

There was a small sigh on the other line as Ashley Tisdale cooed, "_Oh Ness…_"

"I miss him _so_ much," She cried. "Everything just… hurts."

"_What happened? You guys were so… perfect. How did this happen?_"

"We didn't have time for each other," Vanessa stated bitterly. "We were talking less and less… We had an argument over something stupid… He suggested that we should… That we should…"

She honestly couldn't get through the sentence without vomiting.

"_Oh my God. Hold on, sweetie. I'm coming over._"

Moments later, after twenty minutes of straight tears in the comfort of her best friend's arms, Vanessa found the courage to overcome her grief and finish the story. "I don't even remember what were arguing about. We were just yelling about nothing and I pointed out that we didn't put enough effort into our relationship anymore. He suggested that we… take a break and… I didn't stop him."

"Okay," Ashley sighed, squeezing her friend's hand. "Tragic, but not the end of the world, Ness. This is a break, not a breakup. It's not permanent."

"But it feels like it is," Vanessa counteracted. "How long do you think breaks usually last? Because it's been weeks!"

"It depends," Ashley answered hesitantly, knowing this wasn't what Vanessa wanted to hear. "It's really a time for you two to focus on yourselves and regroup, you know? To analyze if you want to move forward the way you are or change something in your life."

"I've done enough regrouping," Vanessa answered stubbornly. "I don't care anymore. I don't care what happens to my career, I don't care if both my movies tank at the box office this spring, I don't care if I go bankrupt and have to live in a cardboard box because _all_ I care about is him. It might sound pathetic, but he literally was my source of happiness. And if I don't have happiness, I don't have anything, do I?"

Ashley's heart broke for her best friend as she pulled her into another hug. "It's not pathetic, Nessa, because you're not some stupid teenage girl who's been dating the guy for two weeks. You and Zac have been together for five _years_. I honestly have never seen anyone as in love as you two are and so I definitely get that this is what you want most in life."

"Thanks Ash," Vanessa said sarcastically, wiping at her eyes. "Way to depress me even more."

"That wasn't my point," Ashley stopped her. "The fact that I have never seen anyone as in love as you two are is the reason I think this is only a temporary breakup. I know you feel differently but that's because you're still grieving. You're still upset. But that's normal- have you thought of how Zac feels?"

Vanessa scoffed, glancing away. "He's fine."

Ashley shook her head. "He's not fine, Vanessa! Everything you're feeling, he's feeling too, I'm sure. He's just less up front about it. You know him- refuses to show emotion at all costs."

"Not true, he _always_ tells me how he's feeling… eventually," Vanessa added when Ashley shot her a look. "We just talked last week and he didn't say anything."

"Yeah, because you think he would say something now, of all times?" Ashley rolled her eyes. "Vanessa! He thinks you're stronger than he is and wants to seem as strong as you are. Both of you need to just realize that you're equally weak when you're not together."

Vanessa glanced down, but when she met her best friend's eyes again, there was a small smile on her face. "Thanks Ash."

"Hey, I'm always here for you when you need a harsh reality check, Ness," Ashley chuckled. "I'm your best friend. But what I really think you should do is talk to him. You two decided to take a break because you felt like that was what was right for both of you to be happy. But _neither _of you are happy right now, so do fix that as soon as possible."

"I guess so," Vanessa faltered. "I'm just scared. What if you're misreading him and he's just stressed out? What if he feels like it… it's better this way?"

"Vanessa, I don't know if you're aware, but Zac Efron worships the ground you walk on," Ashley pointed out. "He is unfathomably in love with you and everything he does, he does for you, because he thinks that your happiness is the cause of his own. Everyone wants a guy like that, Ness, and he only wants you."

Just thinking this made her burst into a fresh set of tears.

"I can't," was all she could produce through her tears.

"Vanessa you have to," Ashley sighed. "You know Zac's not going to do it."

"Why not?"

"Because he thinks this is what you want," Ashley explained. "He would never jeopardize your happiness for his own."

"Well I don't want to jeopardize his happiness for my own, either," Vanessa bit her lip.

"But he's _not_ happy!" Ashley stated exasperatedly. "He needs you and you need him. Are you ready to accept that?"

"I've already accepted that, but I don't want to sound needy," She insisted. "That's what got us in this situation in the first place."

"What do you mean?"

"I freaked out on him because I missed him and he was busy, but I thought it was because he didn't want to talk to me. Then he got mad at me or something- I don't know." She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. It's my fault."

"And if I asked Zachary, he'd say it was his fault," Ashley frowned. "Listen, it doesn't matter who started it. You need to end it. You're going to call him?"

"…I guess so."

She stared her friend down. "You're going to call him?"

"Yes," Vanessa sighed.

"And you'll get together and talk?"

"Sure."

"And you'll make me maid of honor and godmother of your first child?"

"Ye- wait, what?" Vanessa paused. "We're getting married and having kids, now?"

"Just say yes," Ashley winked. "I'm planning ahead."

Rolling her eyes, Vanessa crossed the room and opened the front door for her best friend. "Goodbye, Ashley."

"You're going to do this, right?" Ashley asked hopefully and Vanessa nodded.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

Ashley eyed her. "Just checking."

They exchanged their goodbyes and Vanessa retreated to the living room, plopping down on the couch and staring at her phone. She hadn't changed the background screen of her iPhone, a picture of her and Zac on the beach in Hawaii just a few weeks ago. Sighing, she flicked on the television, where an old rerun of _Friends_ was playing and settled back against the cushions of her couch, watching Phoebe try to pull the turkey off of Joey's head and not laughing once.

Who said she had to call Zac right away?

* * *

Hours later, it had begun to rain and Vanessa rolled her eyes. Shocking, now even the weather was mimicking her mood. Every few moments, she stared at the screen of cell phone, a wave of remorse and longing washing over her. It was eleven p.m. and all she wanted was to call Zac to wish him goodnight, just like they used to whenever they were apart. Deciding against it, she snuggled deeper into her mass of blankets and began to flip mindlessly through the channels. She smiled softly as she remembered this was a habit of hers Zac _hated_, always groaning and uttering, "_Make up your mind, woman!_" Then, the Gods sent her a sign. As she passed the Disney Channel, she came upon the colorful song and dance number at the end of _High School Musical 2_. Watching the scene amongst her friends and boyfriend- ex-boyfriend? - sparked a horrible sense of longing inside of her that she could not shake. She needed him. She needed him _now_.

It was now or never.

Pressing the speed dial that led directly to his phone, Vanessa sighed and lifted the phone slowly to her ear. She listened to the dial tone and prayed he would answer. It rang once as she closed her eyes. _Please dear God let him answer. Please dear God, I need to talk to him_. It rang twice and she exhaled heavily before the other line clicked and he answered. She inhaled sharply and her eyes flew open. It was him. He had answered. There was no turning back now.

"…_Hello?_"

She exhaled slowly. "Zac?"

"_Yeah, what's up? You okay?_"

Swallowing past the lump in her throat, Vanessa sighed. "Um… Not really…"

"_What's wrong, Van?_"

"Could you come over?" Vanessa blinked back tears as she heard him already gathering his keys.

"_Of course. Be right there, okay?_"

"Thank you."

They exchanged quick goodbyes before Vanessa mentally prepared herself for what was to come. Oh God. Oh no. What had she done? What if he didn't want to see her? What if he was annoyed that she had called him this late and begged his presence? What if Ashley was wrong and he _didn't_ want the same thing? She wasn't sure she could handle rejection right now. Biting her lip, Vanessa glanced at the glowing white numbers on her phone, knowing by heart that it only took seven minutes to get from his house to hers.

He made it there in four.

"Hey," He greeted her when she opened the door for him, stepping over the threshold and immediately enveloping her in a hug, which she gratefully returned. "What's wrong?"

"Everything," She admitted, closing her eyes and inhaling the all too familiar scent that just made Zac… Zac. "I'm sorry for calling you. I just… I needed to talk."

"No, it's not a big deal," He told her, following as she retreated to the living room once more. "I wasn't doing anything, anyway. I, uh, was actually watching _High School Musical_. The second one's on tonight."

Vanessa burst into tears promptly at this confession, sinking down onto the couch as she realized just how in tune they really were. Zac's eyes widened as he sat beside her. "Hey, what's up?"

"I can't do this anymore," Vanessa cried, wiping at her tears furiously to no avail. "I'm so sorry if you don't feel the same way, but after everything we've been through I can't pretend that everything I feel for you is gone. I can't just go on and pretend that we can be friends because we've been through too much together to just start over. I'm sorry but it's impossible."

Zac silently watched her as she confessed, her chest heaving. "I miss you. I miss everything about you and everything we had. I miss us! I just… I don't want to just be me, you know? You and I are a package deal; we always have been. It's Zac and Vanessa, Vanessa and Zac… it's just what's right. I just… I can't even imagine being with anyone else because you are the only person who's ever made me feel like this. I'm so incredibly happy with you and I know I could never be this happy with anyone else."

"I love you," She acknowledged, not daring to look at him for fear of his reaction to her admission. "I love you so, _so_ much and I know there isn't anyone in the world that I could ever love like I love you. I love you and I'm sorry I was so annoying and needy. I thought that a break would be good for us too, but it wasn't. It just reinforced the fact that I need you. And you may not need me, but I don't know if I can keep doing this without you. Hollywood's a scary place and… It was easier when I was going through it before because I was going through it with you."

Sighing, she glanced up at him and her heart broke when she noticed he wasn't looking at her. "I guess what I'm saying is that ultimately, I'm sorry. I just… I had to tell you. I had to tell you how I feel because I can't keep living with this regret."

Vanessa exhaled slowly, wiping the tears from her eyes as Zac cleared his throat and finally spoke for the first time. "Well you're wrong."

As if she wasn't heartbroken enough, she dared to ask, "About what?"

"We did need this break," Zac stated, his eyes lifting to meet hers. "Because without it, I wouldn't have realized how much of a mistake it was."

"A mistake?" Her voice cracked, not believing what he was saying as he grasped her hands in his own.

"Vanessa, I love you too. You know I never stopped. I couldn't; no matter what happens between us I will always, _always_, love you," He promised. "You are the first girl I've ever loved and the only girl I will ever love. And I agree with you; there's no _way_ we can just be friends after what's happened between us. What we have is just too special to be ignored and I really do think this break helped us see that. It helped us see that what you and I have is stronger than anything and we should've made more time for it, because it deserves our recognition."

"I miss you too, more than anything," He agreed, rubbing his thumbs against the backs of her hands. "Five weeks has been long enough of a wait. I've done all the analyzing I need and all I've found is what I knew was there all along. You and me, forever and always. The thought of either of us being with anyone else is just so heartbreakingly unrealistic, because you make me so happy… I can't imagine being with anyone else. I've been so miserable these last few weeks, Ness, even though I thought we were doing the right thing. But then I realized we were so, so wrong. All I need to be happy is you. Nothing else matters."

"Please don't blame yourself because it _was_ a mutual decision," Zac pleaded with her and she averted her gaze. "Baby, you weren't being needy- you were _right_. We were ignoring each other and placing the blame for our stress and unhappiness on each other. But it was really because we were _not_ together, not because we _were_. It was a horrible miscommunication, but we handled it the right way. We stepped away, we cooled off, and now… Well now I don't want anything more than to be with you again because I love you that much."

"Vanessa, I am so, so incredibly sorry and I will spend forever trying to make it up to you," Zac promised her as her eyes spilled over with unshed tears.

"Forever?" She asked, sniffling as he reached for her and wiped the stray tears away with the pad of his thumb.

"Forever, baby," Zac stated. "I want to be with you forever."


End file.
